What Does It Mean to be an Intentional Father?

An outline on discipleship, fatherhood, and sonship.

The Intentional Father

I came across this idea of The Intentional Father via my brother who recommended to me a book¹ with the same title. Written by Jon Tyson it is a book that lays out the framework for a fatherhood that takes its job seriously. When one considers that fatherhood is a responsibility given by God to steward the little people that he has blessed us with, we begin to realize the gravity of the situation.

My son is only 18 months old, but the seeds have been laid. The book has been read. And on top of the piles of wisdom nuggets stored in my mind and heart there begins a plan, and framework to shepherd my children into their futures. I believe the planning begins today. In reality, it began before I was even married.

Here is a rough outline of what I have so far. I would love to hear your thoughts on it too. I would recommend buying the book and reading it yourself. I found it challenging and enlightening. It makes me excited for when my son is older and I get to implement some of the practices. Ultimately, our desire should be raise our children to the glory of God and to honor him with what he has blessed us with.

What is the intentional father?

I believe that the intentional father is a father who is spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically engaged with his children. In my current case, as of this writing, I am engaged with fathering my son. Let’s break each of these categories down individually and discuss them.

Photo by Sara Graham on Unsplash

Spiritually

What does it mean to be an intentional father who is spiritually engaged with his son?

An intentional father who is spiritually engaged with his son/children is a father who is set on discipling his son. To disciple my son means to take my direction from the Word of God and the direction that that book has set out for me to follow. There are key passages that are given in the Bible that should serve as my baseline and compass heading for when I father my son.

1. Deuteronomy 6.4-9 is a foundation verse and a call to adhere to when it comes to disciple my son. To teach my son that God IS and that we are to love him with all of our being. WIthout this, there is no pure direction or standard for teaching my son ultimate truth. WIthout this, there is only pragmatism.

2. Ephesians 6. 1-4 This is the New Testament commandment that instructs children to honor their parents and for the father not to exasperate his children. This is important because it provides clear boundaries for the father in his role to rear his children in the discipline and admonition of the LORD. And a call and response for children to their parents. In addition to the above, it provides a connection to the Old Testament and the Ten Commandments and the deep well of wisdom that the OT provides, especially into the character of God and the abundance of examples of Fathers.

As a spiritual leader for my son it is imperative to be in a position to lead spiritually. That entails having a mature relationship with my God. Of course, a relationship never reaches its full maturity here on earth, but I should lead from the front. For me, that means I must do a better job in my times with the LORD.

1. I must, as a father, pursue Jesus Christ with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

2. I must pursue Jesus Christ with the mindset that I will share him with my son.

These two goals listed above will serve as my anchor. I must follow Jesus with everything that I have for his glory and my joy, and to serve and share Jesus with my family. I must seek to intimately know Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, and God the Father first and foremost because it is the right thing to do, it is commanded, and it glorifies God. Secondly, to share the rich joy that comes from knowing and being known by God to my children.

Another key aspect in spiritually shepherding my children is service. Service to my wife and to my community are two values that should be instilled/taught to my children. To selflessly sacrifice and joyfully give without grumbling or feet-dragging. Not only is it a biblical command but it honors God and honors those whom you are serving.

1. I must serve my wife well and without grumbling or feet-dragging. I must do this to model how Jesus served and sacrificed for his church.

2. I must serve my community/family well without grumbling or avoiding. I must do this to model how Jesus served his community and family.

This creates a unified life of good works and good faith. Faith without works is dead. A dead faith is a weak dad and weak dad is a catastrophic weakness for his family, WIthout these two points tied together I am at risk of hypocrisy, so I must teach my son how to lead and be led. How to have faith that leads to action. Under this section falls other such practices of faith such as the following: prayer, corporate worship, bible study, acts of service, and giving. I must build out a theology of these things in order to teach them to my children.

Mentally

What does it mean for an intentional father to be mentally engaged with his son/children?

I believe that a father should be actively thinking three things:

1. He should have a pulse on where all of his children stand in all of the above categories.

2. He should be seeking/thinking of ways to better engage them as their father.

3. He should not be distracted by idols/vices and laziness or be checked out/disengaged with their lives.

As the father of my children, it is imperative for me to be regularly meeting with my children via discipleship. This requires me to be thinking and planning on content and questions to learn and gain my child's heart. If I do not win their heart, something else will. I must do all I can to point them to Jesus so that they may serve HIm. If they do not serve Him, they will serve someone else.

To be mentally engaged with my son means that I should be intellectually pushing him so that can be engaged with the physical world around him. To teach him how to think through the Christian worldview and how to filter what he thinks and sees through the perspective of the reality of Jesus Christ. This can be done in several key ways:

1. Engaging in conversation that lead my son to see the world through the reality that Jesus Christ is LORD.

2. Teaching my son how to critically think through objective and subjective data.

3. How to exercise knowledge in wisdom and how to get wisdom.

These three points are some fundamental ways to achieve mental engagement. This can be done mainly through conversation, but I should also utilize books and videos too. I should bring the maximum amount of resources necessary to achieve this. But I should not neglect simple time with my son teaching him the basics in how to interpret the world around him.

Emotionally

What does it mean to be an intentional father that is emotionally engaged with his son/children?

I believe that an intentional father should know his son’s emotional proclivities, temptations, strengths, and weaknesses. This should primarily be achieved through observation and discipleship.

A goal of the father is to bring them up in the instruction of the Lord and the goal of the Christian is to be like Christ. This means, as a father, to teach my son who Christ is and what his emotions were like and how he can honor Christ with his emotions. This can be done in the following ways:

1. By constant discipleship conversations. Observing, probing, and discussing my son’s emotions, reactions, and temptations. I must learn how my son responds to certain situations and what his emotional tendencies are.

2. Strategically placing my son in situations to test him and to challenge him to mature and grow in Christ.

3. Encourage my son to serve others and to learn how Christ served others.

Physically

What does it mean to be an intentional father that is physically engaged with his son?

I believe that an intentional father should first and foremost be present with his son. Being present embodies all the previous concepts above and brings them to bear in the physical presence of the father with his son.
A goal of a physically engaged father is to teach his son how to be a man, a father, a son, and a leader. This is taught by demonstrating in the day-to-day discipleship of the father and son relationship. The son will learn how the father responds, reacts, and carries himself in many situations. The father will show, either on purpose or inadvertently, what it means to be a boy and a man. There are several other ways these can be taught:

1. Weekly discipleship meetings

2. Finding opportunities to work and serve together

3. Appropriate physical affection with his son

4. And the father can demonstrate physical affection with his wife.

   1. This note is important. The husband/wife relationship is key to the family’s health. The son will witness biblical love displayed between his father and mother when they communicate in patience and love, when they ask for forgiveness, and when they prioritize their relationship with Christ.

1. The book also features tons of research and surveys done by the Barna Group.